New Decade, New You? 2020 Vision? Roaring 20’s? I could go on with all of the 2020 puns but I will spare you. Whether you have a laundry list of resolutions, or you have just set yourself one goal for 2020, this is the year to THRIVE! Last year I made myself a list of […]
To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh We all want to feel loved. It makes us feel good, and it builds our self-confidence. If we don’t feel loved it can bring up some intense emotions such as “I’m not […]
Naaalala kita sa mga patay na oras. Oras kung saan ang pwede lang gawin ay isipin ka. Isipin ang mga masasayang araw, kung paano ka magsabi ng magandang umaga, kung paano ka magkwento sa mga bagay na nagpapasaya sayo, o simpleng ano ang gagawin mo para sa araw. Naaalala ko kung paano mo ako pinagsasabihan na umuwi ng maaga, dahil ayaw mo ako mapahamak, o ang mga gabi na ayaw mo pa umuwi dahil gusto mo pa ako makasama. Naaalala ko kung paano mo ihawi ang buhok ko, o punasan ang aking pawis, kung paano ka mainis dahil wala akong isang desisyon. Binabalikan ko yung mga paborito mong pagkain, yung tapsilugan malapit sa dorm ko na ako ang nagpakilala sayo, o yung ihaw din sa P. Campa kung saan tayo madalas kumain, at yung mga lagi mong kinakain sa Dunkin’ Donut. Binalikan ko yung ngiti nating dalawa kapag nagkita na tayo sa baba ng opisina pagkatapos ko sa trabaho, pati na rin ang bawat breakfast, lunch at dinner na tayo ang magkasama. Inalala ang bawat chat, text at tawag mo sa akin, bawat biro mo sa akin na bentang benta sa akin. Bawat kwento ko na lagi mong naaalala, kahit hindi ko na matandaan kung nakwento ko na sayo. Dun ako masaya. Dun mo ako napapangiti.
Pero ang mas masakit ay kapag sa masasayang araw, naaalala pa rin kita. Na sana meron pa akong masasabihan kung ano ang mga nangyari sa aking araw, na sana may pagke-kwentuhan pa ako paano ako pinasaya ng mga pagkaibigan ko. Sa masasayang minuto na sana nandun ka, kasama ka ngumiti, tumawa, at magkwento. Mas masakit nga siguro yon.
Kahit ano mang gawin, hindi ka na nga siguro babalik. Kahit ikutin ko ang aking isip, kung saan ako nagkulang, sumobra, nagkamali at tumama, siguro wala na nga. Kailangan kong tanggapin na kailangan ko isipin ang sarili ko, panindigan ang naging desisyon ko. Na may mas sasaya pa ako kung ano man ang nagkaron tayo, na kung ipagpapatuloy ko pa, pinapatagal at pinipigilan ko yung tao na para talaga sa akin na makilala ako. Kailangan ko isipin na kailangan mo ng oras upang makilala ang sarili mo, para yung susunod mong mamahalin, ay makakatanggap ng wagas na pag-ibig mo. Kahit hindi man ako iyon, nagpapasalamat pa rin ako na nakilala kita, dahil marami pa pala akong kailangan malaman at maranasan. Kailangan ko pala masaktan, para mas maranasan pa ang buhay. Kailangan ko pala maintindihan kung ano ang pinagkaiba ng “just wanting someone and trying to keep someone.” Masakit, pero panahon na ang bahala hatakin and buhay ko at buhay mo.
Lord, if this is really for me, hug me tight. Comfort me as I break down and I whisper my prayers to You. Help me to wait for the right man who will love me. Who You have caste for my soul. Who knows hows to worship You, who is complete so that when I lack, he will be ready to remind me of You.
I loved him, Lord, so much, but I lost myself in that love. I did not who I was, I was not completely happy. Maybe he lacked in showing his love, or maybe I was expecting something more. Maybe I was so fixated on the idea of love, on the future that we can be happy, that we can fix each other, or that we can be someday be okay. Maybe we were not both ready, or maybe it is not the right time. I can enumerate all the possibilities of this maybe.
We have already planned our future, Lord. Where we will live, how many kids will we have, who will take care of our breakfast, and everything we could possibly think of. And it’s so hard Lord, that in just one goodbye, in just one day, it all turned to nothing. Why can’t he possibly fight what we had? Why was I the only one who fought? Why can’t he just text me right now and say sorry? Was I too much? Is it simple because he is not the right person?
Lord, please take care of my heart. I cannot take this heartache everyday. I may fall down. I may break. So I pray that you keep on being with me.
I think the beauty in life is meeting different kinds of people. There are those who will make you happy, there are those who will travel miles to comfort you when you are at your lowest, there are those who will understand you, and there are those who will love you all through out.
There are also those who will disappoint you, there are those who will take advantage of you and your kindness, there are those who will hurt you, and there are those who will bring you down. Not all people is the same. You can enjoy a movie with a particular person, and won’t with another person. And that’s okay! We all have different ways to express connection anyway.
Some people will come, or leave you without explanations, or leave you with more questions in life. But I remember someone telling me that it’s up to yourself to bring yourself back up. I think when you know yourself, and have acknowledged your worth, you can conquer anything. You know better days will come. You know that you can be sad one day, but you’ll be stronger the next day like nothing happened. At the end, you’ll have no regrets because you gave, you fought, and you tried.
I want to celebrate myself and all the people I have known. Thank you for expressing yourself to me in your own way.
Bumilang ako isa hanggang sampu
Mahal mo pa ba ako?
Bumalik sa unang araw
Na gusto mo pa ako
Binaliktad ang mga salitang
Ganon pa rin kaya ang iyong nararamdaman?
This is a letter to the person I barely know.
I apologize for giving you so much pain. I punish you everyday, giving you thoughts that no one deserves to think of. I introduced you to anxiety and break downs, not considering any time or day.
I tried to change your self, your attitude and your way of thinking. And in the process, you lost yourself. I don’t know you anymore. I don’t see the girl who loves to sing in front of everyone. I don’t see the girl who takes a stand in all cost. I don’t see the girl who doesn’t mind every criticism she gets because she knows who she is, and what she believes in. I don’t know where she is now, but I know she is there somewhere.
The world changed you and the people around you. They tried to shape you according to their preferences, just like a molding clay or a toy everyone likes but throws away after they got whatever they need.
But I also look up to you.
You fought all the ghost inside your head, the pain inside your heart, and the demons surrounding you. You comforted your self on your own, wiped your tears with your own hands. I have never seen you cry, because you don’t know how to take the comfort from others. You don’t want to appear weak in front of the monsters.
I also want to say sorry, because everyone looks at you as a strong girl. An independent woman. And because of this, everyone knows you as someone who don’t need comfort everyday. I am very sorry. But you have gone through so much, and you should credit yourself for that. No one will truly understand you. No one knows you better than the Lord who will give you strength when you are weak, and as a friend to cry on.
I hope tomorrow you will have the time to forgive yourself.
Someday, everything that you have envision for yourself will come true. Wether will it be in heaven, or on earth. It will. I will wait for it.
I’m so afraid of being completely happy for a day or for a week straight, because I know,
that I’ll feel down after, longer than experiencing happiness.
Having a full sack of coffee beans is risky for me but I blend them anyway because even just for a second, I want to taste the heaven I’ll forget for a long time. It’s like getting all drunk all night just because you want to get the confidence to talk to everybody. You thought you’re actually on top of the world. However, the next thing you know you’re having a battle against hangover.
Here’s the thing, exerting a lot of energy is exhausting. My mind actually wants to react; to enjoy the rare moments, but another part of me lost the courage to. I even ask myself if I am pretending, or is this actually me.
But hey, I searched for similar situations and I think I found the answer, but it will take time to solve the equation. I hope I’ll have the courage and solve this one.
When will this cycle end?
Riding a jeep on my way to my school from high school, a woman offered me her candy. My initial reaction was to say no because when we were kids, we were taught by our parents to never accept candies from strangers or else, they are going to abduct us! The candy might have a drug to make me sleep and the next thing I know, I might be in an abandon place to be killed. LOL.
But I wished I did not think of that. I saw her eating the same candy, why would she take it if it has a poison? She offered it to me out of kindness! She wanted to share because she just wanted to.
I wish we don’t have to tell our kids to be careful of strangers. I wish it was okay to walk without being robbed by thieves, or without being scared of catcalls. I wish this world will be a little nicer someday, maybe not now but someday when we all realize that we are all the same, that we are all humans breathing from the same planet.
We could say good morning to every person we meet, or wave our hand like the foreigner who waved at everyone including me. He was walking with his friend while waving and giving thumbs up to vehicles passing by. I was riding a bus when we said hi, and I waved and smiled back. It made my tiring day so much lighter! Keep up giving smiles, whoever you are!
If I can go back, I would accept the candy and happily eat it with her. Maybe we can talk about the weather, or how good the candy was or what other food she bought. Or maybe I can just smile after accepting it and thank her for offering/
There are still nice people, wandering around, being flowers in a destroyed forest. They offer who they are, not expecting from anyone. They do it for others, but somehow their lives are so much better than those who have every wealth the world has. They want me to live a little longer and love humanity, even after everything. Someday, I promise, I will escape with you.
I wish it could be like this everyday, but I guess it isn’t.
We did not meet at summer, but it would have been nice if we met at that season. It was cold when we met, just like the people around me. I can still remember the cool breeze, the smell of grass, the color of the flowers, but I don’t know how we became close. Somehow we are the same, we did not expect anything from the universe to make us meet someone, a close friend maybe. I can tell there was something but then again you’re just a friend. Months of talking over the phone, but still we found ourselves later on losing communication.
Years has passed and I had the courage to say hi, though many moments have passed its like we never grew apart. You tell me your secrets and I whisper my stories, its like for the first time I can express myself apart from telling it to my best friend. I like the way how we are the same, but also different. I like how you agree to my perspectives, asking me a bunch of questions. I didn’t notice I am opening my heart to the world, not just with you. I can tell you about my day for I was brave that time. I was brave to ask you to spend a day with me. Yes, I did treat you like a friend but I might have felt something there. I just haven’t quite grasp it yet. Or maybe I might have pretended, I was just afraid to show it.
Somehow we lost communication again. Good and bad days have gone by but I suddenly thought of you again and when I think about it, I should have replied to your last message so until now, maybe, we are still talking. I should have been brave to ask you if I can borrow another day. I realize, my shoulders are light whenever I share a word to you. Everything I said about you, every excitement I feel, why did I just realize it now?
Timing is indeed a funny thing.